Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
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OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
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I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize