Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
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Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
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I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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