there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
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How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
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I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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