she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
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I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
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What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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