hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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