just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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