I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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