can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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