The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
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I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
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Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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