he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
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I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
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It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
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