my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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