Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize