i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
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whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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