My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
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my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
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Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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