don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
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I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
How does it feel to date your dad?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I'm really busy with my period
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