mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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