My Higher Power is John Stamos
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just forgot I was standing up.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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