I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize