ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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