And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
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Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
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I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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