i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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