she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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