Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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