I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
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mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
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Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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