pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
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It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
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He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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