I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
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Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
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Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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