I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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