filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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