Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
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ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
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i need some magic done to my vagina
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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