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dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
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