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Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
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