Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
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I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
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I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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