Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
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He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
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I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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