tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
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i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
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Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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