tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
it's not cheating when I paid for it
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he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
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Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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