This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize