I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
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how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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