Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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