I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
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You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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