apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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