just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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