so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
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So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
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GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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