I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
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When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
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He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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