dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
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It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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