i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize