So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
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hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
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I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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