if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
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Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
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We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize