new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
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I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
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Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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