The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
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Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
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I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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