I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
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Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
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I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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